Life

Life! Oh what can I say about it. It's terribly hard! I always say "Life is Hard". I've never had a truer statement. I like to create little slogans to motivate me through my life. I once said "If God came down and told everyone what to do, than life choices wouldn't be hard".

I really wish God would tell me what to do sometime. WOW, that would be great! How to stop terrible two's at one years old? How to plan a wedding with no money? How to deal with people when they think your crazy? How to loose weight when you've been fat your entire life? How to stop worry about every single thing!

Answer my questions God! Or better yet just tell me what to do! Now that would help me allot!

Joy

I've always wondered what real joy felt like. Not the type of joy that comes one second and leaves, I mean Joy! It feels you up, it lifts your spirit, It renews you! It's the joy of The Lord! I've always looked for that joy. I've always dreamed about it and stared at the people in church wishing I could get it.

I haven't thought about not having joy, lately, is that because I may have it? Maybe? I feel a great joy when I look at my baby boy. He has the most perfect face I have ever laid eyes on. I can have a bad day and I look into his deep brown eyes and it all goes away. I'm more at peace, I'm happy, I have joy!

Is it the same type of joy? I don't know. I just know that I'm not looking anymore, I don't search the pews of my church pointing out the joy people and comparing them to me, the non joy. Because I have my own joy and I know it's from The Lord.

Relationships

In my 31 year old life I have had a countless number of relationships with nameless, faceless guys, who I either barley think about or do not remember at all. I cannot count all the guys I ever dated, nor do I want to. I do not remember special moments of intimacy or dreams I may have had with them. Out of all the guys I have ever dated or liked only two really stick out in my heart and mind. They are night and day. I loved one with a deep obsession and yet I never showed him the real me. I was always afraid that he would not like what was underneath the surface. The other I showed him every part of me the good & the bad. And you know what he loved me still.

I was trying to come up with something about relationships. I even wrote a long blog about all my relationships. But you know what, a relationship is what you make it. If you let a person stump all over you, then they will. If you let a person love you for who you are then they will. It’s a really big step to open up your heart and soul to a person, try to be sure it’s the right person. I opened myself up to the wrong person and I feel like I’m still paying for it. Even with the right person constantly loving me, I still feel the hurt and the pain of the wrong person.

I don’t have a perfect relationship but my relationship is perfect for me. It’s important to me to be able to open up every part of who I am to the person I’m with and for him to say, “That’s a little crazy, but hey I love her anyway.”