I have a need to talk and things are so embarrassing for me. I know what people see when they look at me. Some people think I can do anything, they think I’m so strong and smart but do you want to know the truth? I’m not. I’m none of these things? I sneak through life under a persona of strength and hidden greatness and guess what, you’ve all fell for it. The okey doke I like to call it. I’m not so wonderful, I’m not so brave. My deepest darkest fear is mental illness, not having control over my mind scares me so much that I find myself hiding from things that I feel may push me over the edge.
I’m watching someone I love loose control over their mind. It’s the worst feeling in the world it’s like an empty dark hole is sucking me into it and I can’t pull myself out and I can’t save them because I don’t know what to do to stop the darkness from taking us over. I can’t breathe, my eyes her shut tight and I pray to God that he just saves her and let it be me that looses her mind, let the darkness take me just save her. But I’m afraid of the dark and I know it, oppose to her who has found peace in the darkness and will not come out to the light. The dark where she does not have to struggle or care, the dark where there is no family and no blame. She embraces it as it embraces her like no one has done for years and I grope after her wishing that she will come back to the light because I’m alone and scared without her and I’m afraid that she will never come out of the darkness. Then what will I do.
I think only my blog is so painful & truthful. LOL
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
chidhood venting
So I find myself feeling a little down today and realize that I have somehow been taken back to my childhood. It all started when I saw my ex boyfriend wife’s FB page (which I didn’t even like him that much) but the memories flooded back on him NOT showing up to my Sweet 16 when everyone else in the free world did. Then my suppose best friend (who half the time I don’t know if we really are best friends but I STILL LOVE YOU), she finds her long lost friend who I didn’t particularly like in HS or who I was jealous of b/c she had an awesome body and all the guys loved her. But none the less I didn’t like her for my own selfish reasons and I became angry when my friend who I have stuck by all these years get excited over someone she hasn’t talked to in 15 yrs and who wasn’t that great to her once upon a time! So yes I’m grumpy and I’m pissy but I’m selfish! I really am! Here I a grown ass woman and I find myself caring about 2x ppl that meant nothing in the first place it’s a little pathetic! I mean really how sensitive can one person be? Well, if the person is me I could be very sensitive! I can cry on the drop of a hat. People think I’ve had a perfect life but I haven’t, I’m the corky chubby girl w/ a lot of friends but corky and chubby none the less. I was in the middle of spoiled and neglected, poor & rich, happy & sad. I live my life in the middle. I’m both smart & slow, both outgoing & shy. How does one work w/ that? Well I shall be forever me and I will not be taken back to HS because those two ppl weren’t at all bad! The guy actually became my friend for a few years and the girl I was her friend too off & on. And let’s face it, I wouldn’t want to marry some controlling ass anyway (oh wait did that! LOL) and that girl was gorgeous but I would trade my pretty face for anyone and well my stomach may be pudgy but hey! It’s never been flat! What you see is what you get and what you get is NOT BAD AT ALL! As always thanks for letting me share!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I'm Not Political!
I’m not political. I watch CNN, Bill Mahr, The Colbert Report and other shows that are on in my bedroom because of my husband. I try to follow it, but sometimes I’m lost and I have to ask for further information from my husband. So I’m not a political person. So, the big primary elections for the House & the Senate were last night, to put it lightly it was a BLOOD BATH! Just about the entire country went Red for the Republicans, when just 2 years ago the entire country went blue. I don’t know what is wrong with this picture and I strongly do not want to believe it’s racism, that the thought of a black man running this country scared the crap out of Old White people that they got up out of their beds and voted! But that’s what the numbers show us…
The republicans had a burst of Senior Citizen support. It seems that 24% of those who voted this year were over the age of 65 and they did not support Democrats. Seniors are not fans of the health care bill (Obamacare! They call it!), they are now supporting the GOP and their support of them has increased from 48% last voting cycle to 58 percent this year. Why is that? Well the fact is that anyone over the age of 65 was born in 1945 or above. I find it no surprise at all that racism was primarily cruel and at it’s worst during this time in history. Also, 1945 is noted as the year that the American Civil Rights movement started. What am I saying? I’m saying that the White Senior Citizens saw the country (mostly African Americans who really never turn out like that) come out in packs and mobs to vote this man into office and to have him win! Well something awakened in them, and they ‘said wait a minute this just can’t be. Not my AMERICA that has been ran by white men since the English established the 1st colony in 1607!’
This country as much as I don’t want to admit it, is still racist after all these years and yet I’m sure there were people that did not get their lazy asses up to vote! Change is not given, it’s not automatic, we all have to work together for it, if we do not then there will never be change and we all will be stuck. Stuck in an America that is going down Hill fast!
I think it’s time that the government stops pointing fingers at each other! I think color should no longer be an issue in 2010! I think we should care more about the lower classes and not just the middle & upper classes. And I also think we should get involve more because I should know some of the things I wrote here by memory, but I used wikipediea.org, cnn.com, & www.knoxnews.com.
One more thing! Knoxnews says there has not been a greater power of the GOP in Tennesse since 1869! This means Republicans control the governor’s office, as well as both the House and the Senate. That is just 4 yrs after the civil war ended, 4 yrs after slavery. I’m scared, I’m really scared, I don’t do manual labor, I’m not saying I agree w/ Hank Sanders of the Alabama State Senate when he said ‘He will not go back to the cotton fields of Jim Crow days’. However, I do not think it will be in minorities best interest to have a primarily Republican Congress. As of yesterdays election there are NO African Americans in the United States Senate. All I’m saying is that every vote counts. And knowledge really is power. Just look at the above, I would never have confirmed this stuff or did the math if my mad genius of a husband didn’t rant all night about it. We need to care! WE need to get up and make a difference no matter how big or small. Yesterday I cold called about 6x people to get them out to vote. I clicked on the little link for Organizing for America and I did it. I was nervous, I don’t like calling strangers but I pushed forward and I felt good! Don’t just vote for the President of the United States (I’m guilty of doing it too! No MORE!)
We have to make a stand and VOTE every time there is an election because guess what the facts are clear as day. The Tea Party movement did not become popular until 2009 just a mere month after the election of President Barak Obama, their first protest took place on January 24th. In closing and yes I’m closing because I’m no expert and I’m no Soledad O’Brien (although I love her!), educate yourself and your children. It doesn’t matter if we are black or white, what matters is that we live in this country! And we don’t have anywhere else to go so we need to push for a change, fight for a change! And then it will happen! A black president didn’t change the game; he really just made the game harder.
The republicans had a burst of Senior Citizen support. It seems that 24% of those who voted this year were over the age of 65 and they did not support Democrats. Seniors are not fans of the health care bill (Obamacare! They call it!), they are now supporting the GOP and their support of them has increased from 48% last voting cycle to 58 percent this year. Why is that? Well the fact is that anyone over the age of 65 was born in 1945 or above. I find it no surprise at all that racism was primarily cruel and at it’s worst during this time in history. Also, 1945 is noted as the year that the American Civil Rights movement started. What am I saying? I’m saying that the White Senior Citizens saw the country (mostly African Americans who really never turn out like that) come out in packs and mobs to vote this man into office and to have him win! Well something awakened in them, and they ‘said wait a minute this just can’t be. Not my AMERICA that has been ran by white men since the English established the 1st colony in 1607!’
This country as much as I don’t want to admit it, is still racist after all these years and yet I’m sure there were people that did not get their lazy asses up to vote! Change is not given, it’s not automatic, we all have to work together for it, if we do not then there will never be change and we all will be stuck. Stuck in an America that is going down Hill fast!
I think it’s time that the government stops pointing fingers at each other! I think color should no longer be an issue in 2010! I think we should care more about the lower classes and not just the middle & upper classes. And I also think we should get involve more because I should know some of the things I wrote here by memory, but I used wikipediea.org, cnn.com, & www.knoxnews.com.
One more thing! Knoxnews says there has not been a greater power of the GOP in Tennesse since 1869! This means Republicans control the governor’s office, as well as both the House and the Senate. That is just 4 yrs after the civil war ended, 4 yrs after slavery. I’m scared, I’m really scared, I don’t do manual labor, I’m not saying I agree w/ Hank Sanders of the Alabama State Senate when he said ‘He will not go back to the cotton fields of Jim Crow days’. However, I do not think it will be in minorities best interest to have a primarily Republican Congress. As of yesterdays election there are NO African Americans in the United States Senate. All I’m saying is that every vote counts. And knowledge really is power. Just look at the above, I would never have confirmed this stuff or did the math if my mad genius of a husband didn’t rant all night about it. We need to care! WE need to get up and make a difference no matter how big or small. Yesterday I cold called about 6x people to get them out to vote. I clicked on the little link for Organizing for America and I did it. I was nervous, I don’t like calling strangers but I pushed forward and I felt good! Don’t just vote for the President of the United States (I’m guilty of doing it too! No MORE!)
We have to make a stand and VOTE every time there is an election because guess what the facts are clear as day. The Tea Party movement did not become popular until 2009 just a mere month after the election of President Barak Obama, their first protest took place on January 24th. In closing and yes I’m closing because I’m no expert and I’m no Soledad O’Brien (although I love her!), educate yourself and your children. It doesn’t matter if we are black or white, what matters is that we live in this country! And we don’t have anywhere else to go so we need to push for a change, fight for a change! And then it will happen! A black president didn’t change the game; he really just made the game harder.
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