I have a need to talk and things are so embarrassing for me. I know what people see when they look at me. Some people think I can do anything, they think I’m so strong and smart but do you want to know the truth? I’m not. I’m none of these things? I sneak through life under a persona of strength and hidden greatness and guess what, you’ve all fell for it. The okey doke I like to call it. I’m not so wonderful, I’m not so brave. My deepest darkest fear is mental illness, not having control over my mind scares me so much that I find myself hiding from things that I feel may push me over the edge.
I’m watching someone I love loose control over their mind. It’s the worst feeling in the world it’s like an empty dark hole is sucking me into it and I can’t pull myself out and I can’t save them because I don’t know what to do to stop the darkness from taking us over. I can’t breathe, my eyes her shut tight and I pray to God that he just saves her and let it be me that looses her mind, let the darkness take me just save her. But I’m afraid of the dark and I know it, oppose to her who has found peace in the darkness and will not come out to the light. The dark where she does not have to struggle or care, the dark where there is no family and no blame. She embraces it as it embraces her like no one has done for years and I grope after her wishing that she will come back to the light because I’m alone and scared without her and I’m afraid that she will never come out of the darkness. Then what will I do.
I think only my blog is so painful & truthful. LOL
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
chidhood venting
So I find myself feeling a little down today and realize that I have somehow been taken back to my childhood. It all started when I saw my ex boyfriend wife’s FB page (which I didn’t even like him that much) but the memories flooded back on him NOT showing up to my Sweet 16 when everyone else in the free world did. Then my suppose best friend (who half the time I don’t know if we really are best friends but I STILL LOVE YOU), she finds her long lost friend who I didn’t particularly like in HS or who I was jealous of b/c she had an awesome body and all the guys loved her. But none the less I didn’t like her for my own selfish reasons and I became angry when my friend who I have stuck by all these years get excited over someone she hasn’t talked to in 15 yrs and who wasn’t that great to her once upon a time! So yes I’m grumpy and I’m pissy but I’m selfish! I really am! Here I a grown ass woman and I find myself caring about 2x ppl that meant nothing in the first place it’s a little pathetic! I mean really how sensitive can one person be? Well, if the person is me I could be very sensitive! I can cry on the drop of a hat. People think I’ve had a perfect life but I haven’t, I’m the corky chubby girl w/ a lot of friends but corky and chubby none the less. I was in the middle of spoiled and neglected, poor & rich, happy & sad. I live my life in the middle. I’m both smart & slow, both outgoing & shy. How does one work w/ that? Well I shall be forever me and I will not be taken back to HS because those two ppl weren’t at all bad! The guy actually became my friend for a few years and the girl I was her friend too off & on. And let’s face it, I wouldn’t want to marry some controlling ass anyway (oh wait did that! LOL) and that girl was gorgeous but I would trade my pretty face for anyone and well my stomach may be pudgy but hey! It’s never been flat! What you see is what you get and what you get is NOT BAD AT ALL! As always thanks for letting me share!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I'm Not Political!
I’m not political. I watch CNN, Bill Mahr, The Colbert Report and other shows that are on in my bedroom because of my husband. I try to follow it, but sometimes I’m lost and I have to ask for further information from my husband. So I’m not a political person. So, the big primary elections for the House & the Senate were last night, to put it lightly it was a BLOOD BATH! Just about the entire country went Red for the Republicans, when just 2 years ago the entire country went blue. I don’t know what is wrong with this picture and I strongly do not want to believe it’s racism, that the thought of a black man running this country scared the crap out of Old White people that they got up out of their beds and voted! But that’s what the numbers show us…
The republicans had a burst of Senior Citizen support. It seems that 24% of those who voted this year were over the age of 65 and they did not support Democrats. Seniors are not fans of the health care bill (Obamacare! They call it!), they are now supporting the GOP and their support of them has increased from 48% last voting cycle to 58 percent this year. Why is that? Well the fact is that anyone over the age of 65 was born in 1945 or above. I find it no surprise at all that racism was primarily cruel and at it’s worst during this time in history. Also, 1945 is noted as the year that the American Civil Rights movement started. What am I saying? I’m saying that the White Senior Citizens saw the country (mostly African Americans who really never turn out like that) come out in packs and mobs to vote this man into office and to have him win! Well something awakened in them, and they ‘said wait a minute this just can’t be. Not my AMERICA that has been ran by white men since the English established the 1st colony in 1607!’
This country as much as I don’t want to admit it, is still racist after all these years and yet I’m sure there were people that did not get their lazy asses up to vote! Change is not given, it’s not automatic, we all have to work together for it, if we do not then there will never be change and we all will be stuck. Stuck in an America that is going down Hill fast!
I think it’s time that the government stops pointing fingers at each other! I think color should no longer be an issue in 2010! I think we should care more about the lower classes and not just the middle & upper classes. And I also think we should get involve more because I should know some of the things I wrote here by memory, but I used wikipediea.org, cnn.com, & www.knoxnews.com.
One more thing! Knoxnews says there has not been a greater power of the GOP in Tennesse since 1869! This means Republicans control the governor’s office, as well as both the House and the Senate. That is just 4 yrs after the civil war ended, 4 yrs after slavery. I’m scared, I’m really scared, I don’t do manual labor, I’m not saying I agree w/ Hank Sanders of the Alabama State Senate when he said ‘He will not go back to the cotton fields of Jim Crow days’. However, I do not think it will be in minorities best interest to have a primarily Republican Congress. As of yesterdays election there are NO African Americans in the United States Senate. All I’m saying is that every vote counts. And knowledge really is power. Just look at the above, I would never have confirmed this stuff or did the math if my mad genius of a husband didn’t rant all night about it. We need to care! WE need to get up and make a difference no matter how big or small. Yesterday I cold called about 6x people to get them out to vote. I clicked on the little link for Organizing for America and I did it. I was nervous, I don’t like calling strangers but I pushed forward and I felt good! Don’t just vote for the President of the United States (I’m guilty of doing it too! No MORE!)
We have to make a stand and VOTE every time there is an election because guess what the facts are clear as day. The Tea Party movement did not become popular until 2009 just a mere month after the election of President Barak Obama, their first protest took place on January 24th. In closing and yes I’m closing because I’m no expert and I’m no Soledad O’Brien (although I love her!), educate yourself and your children. It doesn’t matter if we are black or white, what matters is that we live in this country! And we don’t have anywhere else to go so we need to push for a change, fight for a change! And then it will happen! A black president didn’t change the game; he really just made the game harder.
The republicans had a burst of Senior Citizen support. It seems that 24% of those who voted this year were over the age of 65 and they did not support Democrats. Seniors are not fans of the health care bill (Obamacare! They call it!), they are now supporting the GOP and their support of them has increased from 48% last voting cycle to 58 percent this year. Why is that? Well the fact is that anyone over the age of 65 was born in 1945 or above. I find it no surprise at all that racism was primarily cruel and at it’s worst during this time in history. Also, 1945 is noted as the year that the American Civil Rights movement started. What am I saying? I’m saying that the White Senior Citizens saw the country (mostly African Americans who really never turn out like that) come out in packs and mobs to vote this man into office and to have him win! Well something awakened in them, and they ‘said wait a minute this just can’t be. Not my AMERICA that has been ran by white men since the English established the 1st colony in 1607!’
This country as much as I don’t want to admit it, is still racist after all these years and yet I’m sure there were people that did not get their lazy asses up to vote! Change is not given, it’s not automatic, we all have to work together for it, if we do not then there will never be change and we all will be stuck. Stuck in an America that is going down Hill fast!
I think it’s time that the government stops pointing fingers at each other! I think color should no longer be an issue in 2010! I think we should care more about the lower classes and not just the middle & upper classes. And I also think we should get involve more because I should know some of the things I wrote here by memory, but I used wikipediea.org, cnn.com, & www.knoxnews.com.
One more thing! Knoxnews says there has not been a greater power of the GOP in Tennesse since 1869! This means Republicans control the governor’s office, as well as both the House and the Senate. That is just 4 yrs after the civil war ended, 4 yrs after slavery. I’m scared, I’m really scared, I don’t do manual labor, I’m not saying I agree w/ Hank Sanders of the Alabama State Senate when he said ‘He will not go back to the cotton fields of Jim Crow days’. However, I do not think it will be in minorities best interest to have a primarily Republican Congress. As of yesterdays election there are NO African Americans in the United States Senate. All I’m saying is that every vote counts. And knowledge really is power. Just look at the above, I would never have confirmed this stuff or did the math if my mad genius of a husband didn’t rant all night about it. We need to care! WE need to get up and make a difference no matter how big or small. Yesterday I cold called about 6x people to get them out to vote. I clicked on the little link for Organizing for America and I did it. I was nervous, I don’t like calling strangers but I pushed forward and I felt good! Don’t just vote for the President of the United States (I’m guilty of doing it too! No MORE!)
We have to make a stand and VOTE every time there is an election because guess what the facts are clear as day. The Tea Party movement did not become popular until 2009 just a mere month after the election of President Barak Obama, their first protest took place on January 24th. In closing and yes I’m closing because I’m no expert and I’m no Soledad O’Brien (although I love her!), educate yourself and your children. It doesn’t matter if we are black or white, what matters is that we live in this country! And we don’t have anywhere else to go so we need to push for a change, fight for a change! And then it will happen! A black president didn’t change the game; he really just made the game harder.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sort of Venting
I have a secret. I’m totally jealous of all these filmmakers that are able to make documentaries about Detroit. Also I’m terribly upset and please forgive me because I’m no way a racist, but from the filmmakers to the people they are interviewing are mostly white. And Detroit is over 80% black! I just don’t understand or I do but it’s a sad truth, why can’t we help our city in which we love. I really think we don’t love it. I mean, I know I love it but I don’t live there anymore, I live in New York. But all my friends and family that live there they don’t love it, they want to leave. It’s like we can’t see the possibilities of it’s greatness and we run away from it. I left to chase an impossible dream of New York and becoming Oprah and being President of ABC daytime but my spirit cries for Detroit. When I watch these films or trailers I say ‘Why couldn’t I do that!’ Then I list all the things I don’t have and why I can’t do anything to help Detroit and that I can barley help myself, my family. The other day I passed this woman and her baby in the subway begging (is that the right word?) for money or whatever and all I had was five dollars and the food I was taking home because I had not thawed any chicken or ground beef which seems to be the only thing in my fridge this week. And I felt awful, just like I felt awful when me & my brother played ‘How many abandoned houses are there’ on each block in Detroit. It’s a lot my friend! A terrible amount of abandoned, burnt up, houses. I just don’t know. I love Detroit and my heart breaks for it and maybe I will find some time and money and find a way to help.
Also, I know this is terrible but why don’t black people adopt little black babies. Why should anyone adopt them, why can’t their parents step the hell up and keep their kids. I want to go crazy too! I want to run off sometime and live on the street just so I don’t have to deal with anything but do I? NO! Because I have a responsibility to someone who can’t take care of themselves yet, so whenever my mind wonders and you have no idea how it wonders, I just look at my phone and I see the worlds most perfect face and it calms me, it steadies me and then all is well with the world again and sometime my depression is lifted, my tears dry up and I’m happy. So we should make an effort to raise our own little black kids but if you do not step the HELL UP trust me there will be a very nice white family who is ready, willingly and able to adopt your child and guess what, they will give them a better life.
Ahhhhh! I just had to get all this off my chest! I want to help Detroit and I pray to God that one day I will be able too. Thanks for letting me vent my few readers! LOL
Also, I know this is terrible but why don’t black people adopt little black babies. Why should anyone adopt them, why can’t their parents step the hell up and keep their kids. I want to go crazy too! I want to run off sometime and live on the street just so I don’t have to deal with anything but do I? NO! Because I have a responsibility to someone who can’t take care of themselves yet, so whenever my mind wonders and you have no idea how it wonders, I just look at my phone and I see the worlds most perfect face and it calms me, it steadies me and then all is well with the world again and sometime my depression is lifted, my tears dry up and I’m happy. So we should make an effort to raise our own little black kids but if you do not step the HELL UP trust me there will be a very nice white family who is ready, willingly and able to adopt your child and guess what, they will give them a better life.
Ahhhhh! I just had to get all this off my chest! I want to help Detroit and I pray to God that one day I will be able too. Thanks for letting me vent my few readers! LOL
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Things that plague me this AM
It's Easter Sunday or Resurrection Sunday and I find myself up trying to get ready for 8:30a service so that I wont look blend in with the other people that only go to church on Easter which my pet peeve! But in my attempt to jump the gun and run off to my very large church with very flashy beautiful ppl, every outfit in my closet does not fit okay some fit but I just don't like how they look and if I go out and get another damn 'you pregnant?' comment I'm sure I will flip on this Sunday that Jesus died for my sins. Which would not be good.
Also I was in the city yesterday at Radio City Music hall and I passed these beautiful shops with great clothes for ppl who wear like a size 8 max and had tons of money both which I have never been. Sadness. But truthful. Don't feel sorry for me or anything, I'm not starving and if I was ever a size 8 I'm sure it was like 5th grade, so since I never had the hot bod I don't really miss it! LOL Plus I'm still pretty hot! or pretty pretty.
The next thing on my mind this morning is: What if Jesus didn't die for our sins? I would be so messed up. I shutter just thinking about it. Life is really hard and some of the things that I have faced would have me in a mental hospital, in jail or dead. He's kept me from dangers seen and unseen. While I type this my memory is going back to a time when I was on my porch and this guy pulled up looking for my cousins friend & her mother who jumped on a little girl. The man was angry and in a drop top car and screaming at me. I kept saying they weren't at my house. My mom runs out and tells the man they weren't there and to get on. He pulls off then she turns on me and begins screaming at me because the man had a gun in the car and I'm standing out there arguing with him and is about to get shot. I had no idea but as she kept talking I did realize that his right hand did not move, it was always down. Thank You Jesus! Thank You!
Remember what he has done for you! Because if he hadn't we would all be lost!
Also I was in the city yesterday at Radio City Music hall and I passed these beautiful shops with great clothes for ppl who wear like a size 8 max and had tons of money both which I have never been. Sadness. But truthful. Don't feel sorry for me or anything, I'm not starving and if I was ever a size 8 I'm sure it was like 5th grade, so since I never had the hot bod I don't really miss it! LOL Plus I'm still pretty hot! or pretty pretty.
The next thing on my mind this morning is: What if Jesus didn't die for our sins? I would be so messed up. I shutter just thinking about it. Life is really hard and some of the things that I have faced would have me in a mental hospital, in jail or dead. He's kept me from dangers seen and unseen. While I type this my memory is going back to a time when I was on my porch and this guy pulled up looking for my cousins friend & her mother who jumped on a little girl. The man was angry and in a drop top car and screaming at me. I kept saying they weren't at my house. My mom runs out and tells the man they weren't there and to get on. He pulls off then she turns on me and begins screaming at me because the man had a gun in the car and I'm standing out there arguing with him and is about to get shot. I had no idea but as she kept talking I did realize that his right hand did not move, it was always down. Thank You Jesus! Thank You!
Remember what he has done for you! Because if he hadn't we would all be lost!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Valentines Day
I was on my facebook page and one of my friends status was 'happy wearing black day' LOL and I thought about that. Why do I celebrate Valentines Day? Why! What has been instilled in me since birth that I had to expect something this day. And believe me when I did not get anything, I was DEPRESSED! Now That's just stupid!
It's also a little crazy(I don't want to say stupid) to do something just because it's Valentines Day. I'm going to have sex b/c it's Valentines Day. Or I need someone because it's Valentines Day. These are all myths folks! My best Valentine day ever, EVER was driving my friend to Chemotherapy and just sitting there with her. And when I tell people that they are like shocked and expect it to be a sad story or bad thing. But for me that day, that particular Valentines day, I didn't think about myself, what I was getting, who I was with or anything. My friend said she needed a driver and I'm a driver point blank!
Maybe we should re-invent this holiday that has been forced on us since birth. Maybe we should do unselfish acts on February 14th. Oh how the world would change! If we stop thinking that we have to be happy on this day, we have to have someone this day, then a lot of WOMEN maybe some men would be much happier. Because they are not focusing on THEM! Not comparing themselves to their friends, not focus on loneliness!
Something to think about, even for me!
It's also a little crazy(I don't want to say stupid) to do something just because it's Valentines Day. I'm going to have sex b/c it's Valentines Day. Or I need someone because it's Valentines Day. These are all myths folks! My best Valentine day ever, EVER was driving my friend to Chemotherapy and just sitting there with her. And when I tell people that they are like shocked and expect it to be a sad story or bad thing. But for me that day, that particular Valentines day, I didn't think about myself, what I was getting, who I was with or anything. My friend said she needed a driver and I'm a driver point blank!
Maybe we should re-invent this holiday that has been forced on us since birth. Maybe we should do unselfish acts on February 14th. Oh how the world would change! If we stop thinking that we have to be happy on this day, we have to have someone this day, then a lot of WOMEN maybe some men would be much happier. Because they are not focusing on THEM! Not comparing themselves to their friends, not focus on loneliness!
Something to think about, even for me!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Everyone's doin it!
Is everyone doin it? I really doubt that! I know at least 2x people that are not 'doin it' and I'm sure I know more especially since my church has 20 thousand people and they are suppose to really be SAVED & SANCTIFIED! LOL LOL So I'm wondering if everyone's doing it where does that leave the girl or boy that doesn't want to you know 'do it'. Are the youth pressured by this idea that they have to do what everyone else does? You don't know you! Everybody will not be there for you in 10 years, not even 10 days!
Now I'm a Christian but I have never been, I repeat NEVER been abstinent. Oh I'm serious. Never. I've never not had anyone. Since I first started this thing called sex at 14, I may have had months of breaks. Or brief periods without the prize 'boyfriend' on my shoulder or in my belt (when he wasn't with his other girls!). I actually rejoiced when I got married because finally I could stop fighting to be abstinent! So I'm not the one to preach abstinence to you. I never conquered that particular obstacle. But I am living proof of peer pressure and the 'everyone's doin it' thought. And that is not a reason to have sex! It's not a reason to do anything! The human mind absorbs so much and just push things to the back only to have it all come up at a later date. So yeah, now everyone's doin it and you want to do it too but at 25 you can't figure out why you keep ending up in bad relationships with the same guy. You don't know why you on abortion number 3 and kid number 4.
I smoked weed b/c all my friends did. I think it took me a year of saying no in college before I cracked b/c everyone was doing it. Then next thing you know I'm like a weed head going in to the boy dorm buying weed. Hooked for like 5 years until one day I was smoking w/ this guy from some small town in Louisiana and I had a whole scene in my head of me being a crack head and stuck in this town and crying in the middle of the street for my then X boyfriend (who was an ass anyway). So yeah! Everyone's doin it but sometimes it's not worth it! 'It ain't worth it Miss Ceily, It ain't worth it' LOL
Be you! And do things because you want too not because you want to keep someone or you want to fit in. If they can't accept you for having your own mind then they don't deserve you! In no shape or form!
Also.. If you can be abstinent, I say do it! I think it would be TOTALLY AWESOME to have sex for the first time when you're married to someone! I didn't do it that way but I'm thinking about seeing if the hubby would try it. (what do you think?) LOL yeah right!
Now I'm a Christian but I have never been, I repeat NEVER been abstinent. Oh I'm serious. Never. I've never not had anyone. Since I first started this thing called sex at 14, I may have had months of breaks. Or brief periods without the prize 'boyfriend' on my shoulder or in my belt (when he wasn't with his other girls!). I actually rejoiced when I got married because finally I could stop fighting to be abstinent! So I'm not the one to preach abstinence to you. I never conquered that particular obstacle. But I am living proof of peer pressure and the 'everyone's doin it' thought. And that is not a reason to have sex! It's not a reason to do anything! The human mind absorbs so much and just push things to the back only to have it all come up at a later date. So yeah, now everyone's doin it and you want to do it too but at 25 you can't figure out why you keep ending up in bad relationships with the same guy. You don't know why you on abortion number 3 and kid number 4.
I smoked weed b/c all my friends did. I think it took me a year of saying no in college before I cracked b/c everyone was doing it. Then next thing you know I'm like a weed head going in to the boy dorm buying weed. Hooked for like 5 years until one day I was smoking w/ this guy from some small town in Louisiana and I had a whole scene in my head of me being a crack head and stuck in this town and crying in the middle of the street for my then X boyfriend (who was an ass anyway). So yeah! Everyone's doin it but sometimes it's not worth it! 'It ain't worth it Miss Ceily, It ain't worth it' LOL
Be you! And do things because you want too not because you want to keep someone or you want to fit in. If they can't accept you for having your own mind then they don't deserve you! In no shape or form!
Also.. If you can be abstinent, I say do it! I think it would be TOTALLY AWESOME to have sex for the first time when you're married to someone! I didn't do it that way but I'm thinking about seeing if the hubby would try it. (what do you think?) LOL yeah right!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Random things that just piss me off!
I don't have any wisdom for you all today! I'm just a little pissed about things. And I can't get all into it on a public blog but some ppl are just straight fuc*** up! First I want to talk about family, yes, family. How can people be born together, raised together, have the same mother but still will not help each other out. Why are people so shallow and heartless and self centered? I'm not like that. I don't know how to be. WHY?! Oh how I wish I was! But then who would I be? It's rough out here yall. People are only out for themselves and money. They don't think of others, they don't help those in needs. We are all selfish human beings, trying to show off how much money we have, and how better off I am than you. Now I stopped that long time ago simply because I found that I could not keep up with the Jones's! I can only be me.
I also want to talk about trusting someone. At what age is the right time to trust somebody whether it's sexual or platonic. When do you know this is my friend or this is my boyfriend or girlfriend? I always remember what Oprah said one time 'When a person shows you who they really are the 1st time! You better believe them' That has always been true for me and someone needs to think about that.
I have ranted enough! I'm sure I can rant on and on but I have to get to work in the morning! So until next time! Try not to be selfish! Try to love with your whole heart. Yall I use to have a large family and now they are scattered in pieces because of mess. And now I feel alone in a crowded room sometime. So don't think of just yourself but think of others!
I also want to talk about trusting someone. At what age is the right time to trust somebody whether it's sexual or platonic. When do you know this is my friend or this is my boyfriend or girlfriend? I always remember what Oprah said one time 'When a person shows you who they really are the 1st time! You better believe them' That has always been true for me and someone needs to think about that.
I have ranted enough! I'm sure I can rant on and on but I have to get to work in the morning! So until next time! Try not to be selfish! Try to love with your whole heart. Yall I use to have a large family and now they are scattered in pieces because of mess. And now I feel alone in a crowded room sometime. So don't think of just yourself but think of others!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Perfect Life
Have you ever had a smile plastered on your face but in the inside you feel like a bottomless pit. It's like a black hole is consuming you and it just wont stop growing. But you still have that smile, you laugh, you go out, you continue with your day to day routine. And everyone thinks your PERFECT! AMAZING! You're sooo strong! And you smile but inside you don't want their approval, you don't want them to see that you are strong, you want somebody to see that you are hurting! That your smile is a LIE! Your life is a LIE! You one step away from falling off the edge and the only thing stopping you from jumping is....? God? Family? You? There's something in you telling you not to go there that you can do it! That if you stay the course, if you take the beating that somewhere, one day it will be worth it. But when? When? And how long must I be in pain! How long shall I feel this hole inside of me growing and it feels like it will take me over.
I know a little bit about depression and mental illness. I know something about 'The Perfect Life' and smiling all the time! Because that's what I did for years & do, I'm not fully recovered. But day by day I get better and I'm being more honest now with people letting them know 'Hey I'm not PERFECT'. I'm hurting, I'm bleeding inside but outside I'm smiling. Some of you may or may not be religious but I was listening to Joyce Meyers and she said some of us just work & work and do things for everyone and pull ourselves in a million different pieces and someone ask you 'How do you do it?' And you give them some excuse 'Oh I'm blessed and Highly Favored' but what you want to say is.. 'I'M KILLING MYSELF!, I'M MISERABLE, I CAN'T SLEEP, I'M KILLING MYSELF THAT'S HOW I DO IT'. And that's how I feel. It's how I feel sometime, not how I use to feel! I feel it today, now. I'm one of those people that can't say no, I have that mindset 'HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!' LOL But I can't save every day, you can't save everyday.
There is no perfect person BUT Jesus! (sorry none believers but that's how I roll, you can go a different way but HE is it for me!) Without HIM and the people I love I would have stepped off the edge along time ago and just given up on life but I'm still here. I'm still here! And so are you! So together let's strive for 'The Perfect Life'.
I know a little bit about depression and mental illness. I know something about 'The Perfect Life' and smiling all the time! Because that's what I did for years & do, I'm not fully recovered. But day by day I get better and I'm being more honest now with people letting them know 'Hey I'm not PERFECT'. I'm hurting, I'm bleeding inside but outside I'm smiling. Some of you may or may not be religious but I was listening to Joyce Meyers and she said some of us just work & work and do things for everyone and pull ourselves in a million different pieces and someone ask you 'How do you do it?' And you give them some excuse 'Oh I'm blessed and Highly Favored' but what you want to say is.. 'I'M KILLING MYSELF!, I'M MISERABLE, I CAN'T SLEEP, I'M KILLING MYSELF THAT'S HOW I DO IT'. And that's how I feel. It's how I feel sometime, not how I use to feel! I feel it today, now. I'm one of those people that can't say no, I have that mindset 'HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!' LOL But I can't save every day, you can't save everyday.
There is no perfect person BUT Jesus! (sorry none believers but that's how I roll, you can go a different way but HE is it for me!) Without HIM and the people I love I would have stepped off the edge along time ago and just given up on life but I'm still here. I'm still here! And so are you! So together let's strive for 'The Perfect Life'.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Young & Having Sex
I am older now but sometime ago I was young. And I wanted to be something I never was meant to be by some ppl, liked, accepted, admired. Everyone is not going to like you, they are not going to like your decisions but who cares about them. But when you are a teen you don't think about that, you just want to be popular and you will go far to achieve it.
Which is what I did. Which is what most girls do. They dress slutty thinking they could get attention, they have sex with guys to early. For me and this may not be the case for everyone but for me sex was nothing when I was young. It was nothing for a very long time. No feeling but what was it that kept me saying yes? What allowed me to show these faceless boys an intimate part of me that just anybody should not be allowed to know. Sex is Serious! But no one wants to face that, we treat it like nothing. Like taking a nice short walk and calling it a day. It's NOT. When you have sex with someone, you are opening up a part of yourself almost like an open wound that you are allowing infections to get in. (WOW) And sometime you don't notice that it is infecting you, hurting you, will potentially come out in ways that you can't imagine in your teen years. I never thought that one day I would be in therapy crying about all the guys I had sex with, at the altar year after year, day after day asking God why did I have sex with so many people after a bad break up by the guy I thought would love me forever.
So I could go on and on. And I can say don't have sex until you're married. But maybe somewhere out there some teenager is having great sex! And they are all into this person but are you ready for a baby? An STD? Do you know who the other person is having sex with. It's really different for girls than boys! It really is! Think of it like this.. A boy can simply pull it out not get undressed get inside of you while still wearing his pants and no one will really know what's going on. But a girl, woman, young lady has to literally expose herself, take off her panties, pull down her pants, lift up her skirt, wear a skirt! You have to expose yourself apart of you that should only be seen by a man that loves you no matter what. Not some random guy who may or may not be there when you wake up. Who has another girl and you know about it and deal with just because you want to keep him.
We have to care about ourselves first before anyone else cares about us. We have to respect ourselves first before anyone else does. Oh How I wish I could read this when I was 14. It would have saved me, from looking for something that those guys could not give me in no shape or form, It would have saved me money on therapy, and maybe just maybe I would have noticed that my husband was awesome sooner! But who does things the easy way.
I'm just saying! And I hope it helps someone.
Which is what I did. Which is what most girls do. They dress slutty thinking they could get attention, they have sex with guys to early. For me and this may not be the case for everyone but for me sex was nothing when I was young. It was nothing for a very long time. No feeling but what was it that kept me saying yes? What allowed me to show these faceless boys an intimate part of me that just anybody should not be allowed to know. Sex is Serious! But no one wants to face that, we treat it like nothing. Like taking a nice short walk and calling it a day. It's NOT. When you have sex with someone, you are opening up a part of yourself almost like an open wound that you are allowing infections to get in. (WOW) And sometime you don't notice that it is infecting you, hurting you, will potentially come out in ways that you can't imagine in your teen years. I never thought that one day I would be in therapy crying about all the guys I had sex with, at the altar year after year, day after day asking God why did I have sex with so many people after a bad break up by the guy I thought would love me forever.
So I could go on and on. And I can say don't have sex until you're married. But maybe somewhere out there some teenager is having great sex! And they are all into this person but are you ready for a baby? An STD? Do you know who the other person is having sex with. It's really different for girls than boys! It really is! Think of it like this.. A boy can simply pull it out not get undressed get inside of you while still wearing his pants and no one will really know what's going on. But a girl, woman, young lady has to literally expose herself, take off her panties, pull down her pants, lift up her skirt, wear a skirt! You have to expose yourself apart of you that should only be seen by a man that loves you no matter what. Not some random guy who may or may not be there when you wake up. Who has another girl and you know about it and deal with just because you want to keep him.
We have to care about ourselves first before anyone else cares about us. We have to respect ourselves first before anyone else does. Oh How I wish I could read this when I was 14. It would have saved me, from looking for something that those guys could not give me in no shape or form, It would have saved me money on therapy, and maybe just maybe I would have noticed that my husband was awesome sooner! But who does things the easy way.
I'm just saying! And I hope it helps someone.
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