Have you ever had a smile plastered on your face but in the inside you feel like a bottomless pit. It's like a black hole is consuming you and it just wont stop growing. But you still have that smile, you laugh, you go out, you continue with your day to day routine. And everyone thinks your PERFECT! AMAZING! You're sooo strong! And you smile but inside you don't want their approval, you don't want them to see that you are strong, you want somebody to see that you are hurting! That your smile is a LIE! Your life is a LIE! You one step away from falling off the edge and the only thing stopping you from jumping is....? God? Family? You? There's something in you telling you not to go there that you can do it! That if you stay the course, if you take the beating that somewhere, one day it will be worth it. But when? When? And how long must I be in pain! How long shall I feel this hole inside of me growing and it feels like it will take me over.
I know a little bit about depression and mental illness. I know something about 'The Perfect Life' and smiling all the time! Because that's what I did for years & do, I'm not fully recovered. But day by day I get better and I'm being more honest now with people letting them know 'Hey I'm not PERFECT'. I'm hurting, I'm bleeding inside but outside I'm smiling. Some of you may or may not be religious but I was listening to Joyce Meyers and she said some of us just work & work and do things for everyone and pull ourselves in a million different pieces and someone ask you 'How do you do it?' And you give them some excuse 'Oh I'm blessed and Highly Favored' but what you want to say is.. 'I'M KILLING MYSELF!, I'M MISERABLE, I CAN'T SLEEP, I'M KILLING MYSELF THAT'S HOW I DO IT'. And that's how I feel. It's how I feel sometime, not how I use to feel! I feel it today, now. I'm one of those people that can't say no, I have that mindset 'HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!' LOL But I can't save every day, you can't save everyday.
There is no perfect person BUT Jesus! (sorry none believers but that's how I roll, you can go a different way but HE is it for me!) Without HIM and the people I love I would have stepped off the edge along time ago and just given up on life but I'm still here. I'm still here! And so are you! So together let's strive for 'The Perfect Life'.
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2 comments:
Wow, great! I often feel the same way but like you said Jesus is what continues to strengthen us. We also must talk to people about how we are feeling because they may be able to give us the advice or comfort we need. I have felt like I was dying on many occasions and the only reason why I don't feel so at this current moment, even though my situation should make me feel this way, is because God has spoken life and not death over me and I am standing on HIS promises. He has never failed me and I'm going to hold on until I see the promise. Thank you for being so real about this situation!
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